cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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