Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
