Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
