i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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