I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
