just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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