im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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