his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can't turn off my feet"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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