God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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