I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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