OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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