you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
