tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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