My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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