haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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