Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
