Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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