Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
