dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
