dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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