So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
