rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
