If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
