listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
