It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
