I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
