someone owes me an orgasm
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
