I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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