I just pynch a tree in the face
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Farmville is her only friend.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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