i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
