You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
