I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't turn off my feet"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
