Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
