dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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