Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
