Kiss
Puke
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
