You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
