I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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