I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
where are you?
Hypothermia
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How naked do you want me to be?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
