It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just found puke in my bra..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
