She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
