4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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