Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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