Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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