Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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