I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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