so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
