I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
