that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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