make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
