Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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