I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
