I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
worst night to have a conscience
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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