I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
