a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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