They should really pass out barf bags in church
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
