She is in my trunk
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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