At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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