apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
