It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
